OYM Day 6: I’m Not Making It, I’m Faking It

I have to remember why I started this. I think I have a few reasons why, actually, and they may contradict each other, unfortunately.

First goal, I just want to write. I need to write. It got to a point where writing felt like starting a new gym membership. I was intimidated to start, but knew once I started dragging myself there I would be happy I did (haven’t been to a gym in 2 years if that tells you anything).

Second, I want to develop writing as a daily habit. It’s not just an exercise in discipline. It makes me feel connected to myself. It’s therapeutic. More than any other form, writing is my self expression. I’ve been writing since I learned to physically do it. My style may be simple and uncomplicated, but it’s my voice, and I’ve learned to love it and look for it everywhere.

Third, I want to develop my voice…the one that I’m coming to love. I know I use way too many commas, and …, but I essentially write like I speak. Maybe if my brain keeps speaking on paper like this it’ll refine itself…or not.

And maybe last, and the contradictory star of this post, is that I like to see other people enjoy my writing. Even if they don’t agree, it made them think about something I wrote. I can see how many people view each story. I can see how many people click on a story and don’t read it (ice cold). I tell myself to make sure to post by 8am so that a story can get more views in a day…I look at the stats every so often… I’ve asked friends to share my stories… but why? At first I told myself it’s to hold myself accountable. Can’t let the people down that want to hear more about horse camp! HORSE CAMP! But really, in my heart of hearts, I know I’m looking for validation.

Where does your validation come from? Is it mostly from yourself? If so, wouldn’t that be somewhat psychotic? Like throughout the day your mind is just telling you “GIRL YOU KILLED THAT SHIT! YOU ARE INTELLIGENT, CHARISMATIC, AND MAKE A MEAN EGG SALAD”. Reading that back just now…maybe it’s actually good. But is that what it is? Like an inner-looping voice telling you that you’re awesome all day? Isn’t that self-righteous?

I definitely have a validation problem. I get very little from myself and look for it in others. This goes for just about every aspect of my life. If I get a compliment on my outfit, I know I haven’t lost my touch…yet. If someone tells me the cakes I make look straight out of a magazine, I know I’m not a total failure in the kitchen. When a story I post gets a few hundred views, I believe I’ve done a “good job”.

Or does it? And even if it does… why the hell does it matter?

I still want people to share my work and I still want people to read it. I want to be heard. But also, tell me how you feel about it. You can be honest. I don’t expect to be everyone’s cup of tea (just now my husband said…”maybe you could write something funny? Vary it up a bit?”… which makes me laugh and let’s me know I’m going down a rabbit hole again). This doesn’t mean I’ll change the way I write or what I write about, but it helps me understand how people hear me.

Yesterday, I had a friend (let’s call him John) tell me that my post on giving advice sounded defensive, even hypocritical. The first thing I did was, as you may have guessed, get defensive. I had asked him to tell me what he thought about my work and here I was not being able to take it. COME ON, CASSIE.

His point was that we shouldn’t be thinking about the motives people have for sharing what they do. Instead, we should be able to listen to what a friend tells us, advice or otherwise, and decide what to do with it. “It’s our responsibility,” he said. Ultimately, we just have a difference of opinion, and that’s ok. I certainly need to handle it better, though.

There is an argument to every opinion, every side of a story. I’m guilty of talking myself into and out of an argument quite regularly. It’s all a matter of perception, which is embedded in us from past personal experiences, and even experiences we have no clue about that have altered our DNA. Wait… am I doing it again?! Yep. I’m in the rabbit hole.

Anyways. Validation. I really want to know. Where do you get yours? Where do you seek it? What validation do you need?

Also, how’s my hair?

Really me. Really my hair. Probably not my choice. Probably felt cute, though.