Pre-Mid-Life-Crisis Jitters
I thought your 20s were a time for letting loose and making uninformed decisions, your 30s were for ironing out the kinks from those said decisions and perhaps hiring a good therapist, and that by the time you approached 40, you were full of self-confidence and had laid a solid foundation to enjoy the second half of life relatively stress-free. What I didn’t factor in is that one, we are human beings. Two, kids that you will worry about until the end of time. And three, aging.
While I believe I may miss a mid-life crisis (almost writing this to type it into existence…), I’m not sure of much else. I think becoming a parent later in life will skew the timeline for me a bit, meaning instead of being an empty nester at 40, it’ll happen to me in my 50s (or hopefully never if I can just convince her). And while I’m not exactly brimming with self-confidence, I can say that 38 years has given me confidence in a room of people or when making decisions. Lately, I’ve been thinking, “Hey! I must be pretty smart. People listen to me and take what I say seriously!” And now I realize…that’s just my middle-age showing. I’m not the youngest in the room or the oldest. I’m seasoned. Just right. I must know a thing or two…given my age.
People also started calling me ma’am, but I can’t figure out if it’s my age showing or my move to the South. Going with the latter on this one, for my sanity.
Speaking of age, I do believe it’s happening to me. And while I wish I were one to be graceful about it, I’m not. I see pictures of myself in my 20s and think WHO IS THAT?! Needle sharp elbows and thighs the size of my now ankles, skin nearly metallic with a dewy glow. And while never one to put full stock in my appearance, I can say more and more that I’m thankful I’m funny.
Who knew your mental health could totally derail in middle age? Things like bipolar and schizophrenia are usually diagnosed around this time. Neat! The divorce rates peak in middle age. Cool! Enter the mid-life crisis, I suppose. It feels far and foreign to me at 38, but I once felt the same about marriage and kids.
What if 5 years from now I’ve totally gone off the deep end? What if I join a religious movement or start selling protein shakes door to door? What if I start selling religious protein shakes door to door?
What if I divorce my husband and cut off contact with my child and opt for a fresh start with a new family? Including kids and dogs and the whole 9 yards! See ya, old Cassie! It’s Cassie 2.0!
What if I start having visions that everyone tells me aren’t there? Even though I can see them with my own 2 eyes. And the visions tell me that all that bad stuff on the news about the serial killer? Well, that was me! But I was in a deep sleep at the time.
These things all sound crazy to me, but besides the protein shakes being religious, these are all real things that I have witnessed happen to people I love.
I will not have a midlife crisis. I will not have a midlife crisis. I will not have a midlife crisis.
But if I do I vow to stay off the internet.
C
I hate taking pictures of myself, but really felt the need to capture myself pre-inevitable crisis.